11:25

I love when mom doesn't go to work. The house looks brighter and everything is right. I love when she makes my breakfast even if that's already lunch time. I know she will always look at me as a little child asking for protection and love. But I totally know that she wants me to grow up and understand that life is not so easy as I used to think, even if she wants to put me under her wings and protect me against all the people.

I just woke up feeling that anxiety. I looked around and all I could see was four walls telling me what to do. I went to the kitchen and I saw her using that colourful dress. I love when she uses dresses, she real looks as a mother. I went to the bathroom, looked at the mirror asking myself what is gonna happen today. I don't feel like going outside or hanging out with friends. But I don't wanna spend my whole time surfing on internet.

I should stop thinking.
God.

13:52

I know I got to be strong.

Sometimes life will totally destroy ya. Your feelings, your dreams, your plans. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it makes you feel the most beautiful person ever. Every little thing that happens will always happen for one reason: to make us grow up for real.

I don't even know what to say about what's happening to me because there are so many things at the same time, that I could not start. I feel a little lost, I feel a little sad, a little happy for passing on this and tryin' so hard to be strong. But sometimes I just want to lay on my bed and cry my heart out. Forget everything about the world, everything about people around me, but I know I'm not weak enough.

I should (I'm always saying what should I do or not, I know) do something against it all. Maybe fix things for a while, let the time talk for me. Or maybe just forget it all and search for new things. But people don't understand when you're totally right about something. When you want so hard to fight and fight for what you believe.

I wont give up.
I will never give up.

11

Cansei de tantos clichês, de tanta hipocrisia, de tanta falta de discernimento. Da falta de compaixão, da completa materialização do amor, da preservação do ódio e da completa extinção de toda a nossa natureza interna, que fora imposta como culpa, como vícios e como um erro. Estou cansada de todo esse grande mal da humanidade. Sinto falta do que realmente caracteriza-se o respeito que ha muito tempo fora dilacerado com as exageradas ações egocêntricas de cada um. Ambição é algo necessário, é o que nos move e o que faz o mundo girar. Egocêntrismo não é um mal, é uma característica. Mas quando não dosado, torna-se algo maléfico. Nem eu e nem você fazemos parte de tal mundo pois ambos sabemos que o mesmo é paradoxalmente composto pelo o que temos de pior, e o que fugimos, a todo custo, em ser.

11:12

It's been six years and I still cry listening to Winning Days song. It's curious how this lyrics can perfectly get inside my head and makes me remember almost everything about my childhood.

I went to the psychologist yesterday. It was not so good as I thought but it was nice talking to someone you never meet before. Actually, I felt bad 'cause I totally know that if she could chose, she was not there talking to me, hearing my bullshit. Anyways, I'm thinking if I should back or not.

There are lots of things happening at the same time, and maybe that's the why I fuckin' prefer writing in english than in my mother tongue. I should stop thinking about all these things but they are just showing up each second. Mom's worried about me. I know she is. And I fuckin' know that there are lots of eyes and mouths talking and laughing about me, but I just don't give a shit. I totally know that I should stop blaming myself, get outside and press my fuckoff botton. But I just can't. Even if I try so hard to fix things, those moments will always makes me feel down. Yeah, those moments. I keep asking myself where the fuck are them, where the fuck are all those words and those dreams. Maybe they just disappeared. Maybe not. Or maybe they never happened for real.

I should metion what's happening. But how could I? There are so many things happening and I just can't separate. They are interconected. So fuckin' interconected. You probably will think "Okay, another teenager complaining about life" and that's exactly what you thought. Nobody will never know what really passes on people's mind. We will never understand why there are so many feelings inside us that make us feel better or not. You and me are never free until we're cast away.

And I will never understand why I still think about those moments.
I want them back.
I know they will never back.

That's when the troubles begin.

00:31

Me perco tanto no meio de tantas mutações da minha própria existência que procuro sempre alguma válvula de escape para nunca esquecer o que fui e o que realmente sou. Uso meus antigos microblogs como essa válvula de escape. Em cada um deles há uma fase minha, em cada um deles encontro-me no meio de palavras e expressões (algumas tão engraçadas que me fazem espocar de rir) e em cada uma delas perco-me e retorno na mesma intensidade no momento em que aquilo fora escrito.

Eu tenho procurando um pouco de mim em cada livejournal e em cada microblog meu espalhado por essa internet a fora. Tenho bastante fragmentos. Eu sempre gostei muito de escrever, sempre gostei muito de contar sobre a minha rotina mesmo que eu não tenha tantos leitores. Até mesmo porque eu acho que escrevo só para mim, do contrário não escreveria as coisas que escrevo por aqui, enfim. Eu realmente não me importo se está tudo exposto ou não. Se faz bem para mim deixar tudo isso registrado, por que não?

Eu quero nunca esquecer quem um dia eu fui.
E também nunca deixar de contar o que realmente sou.
Assim eu construo a minha história.

Afinal.. "dentro de um ar de melancolia há sempre um orgulho completo em ser aquilo o que é!"

12:15

Have you ever felt so angry that you could easily kill someone? She never felt this before, but for now, this feeling is running into her veins. (and she doesn't even knew that it hurt so much).

Her anger is not about someone. It's about her. About how she can't be strong enough to support life's stuff. About how she can't be strong to support the pains of loving so much. She should stop blaming herself, she should stop loving and care about people. But she just can't. Even if she try this so hard, she will always be there: looking for some scape. For some solution or who knows for some miracle.

Her anger is not about the world. She doesn't even know it for real. It's about how people can be so selfish and evil. How much people try so hard to destroy others people's life. It's about how angry she gets when she see everything around her falling apart, when she can clearly see that things shouldn't be in that way. It's about when she see everyone fighting.

Y'know what is it about?
It's about when someone break your heart for the 1st time.
So many fuckin' feelings at the same fuckin' time.

19:52

Dizem que quando não conseguimos expressar aquilo que nos dá tantos anseios, devemos tentar na escrita ou então de alguma forma. Acho que em qualquer outra forma eu não conseguiria a não ser na escrita. Esse pode ser talvez o motivo de eu ter esse blog ou então eu o tenha apenas para despejar aquele lixo mental diário. Acho que se eu dissesse o que realmente se passa em minha mente, afastaria todas as pessoas ao meu redor. Eu evito ao máximo em demonstrar o meu real estado emocional, mesmo que eu queira desabar diante de tal coisa. Mas evito. Evito sim, mas o sucesso nem sempre é garantido.

Essas semanas estão longas. Aliás, elas sempre foram. Não que isso seja uma coisa ruim, do contrário. Eu sempre gostei de ter um monte de coisas para fazer. É. Por incrível que pareça, é sempre bom sentir-se útil para alguma coisa. Mesmo que não seja algo tão legal como assistir aulas de matemática, física e química mas, mesmo assim, ainda tem a tal magia de estar ali! Desempenhando um papel que te cobram tanto como o papel do vestibulando. Lembro-me o quanto essa tal palavra me assustava logo quando entrei no ensino médio. v-e-s-t-i-b-u-l-a-n-d-o. Grrr.

Nada relevante.
Só me irrito por ver tantos espaços vazios e não saber o que escrever.
Quero a minha empolgação e minha criatividade de antes.